Lasciate mi morire
by minnie313
Summary: J/C: Kathryn and Chakotay will never be able to be romantically involved after this... or will they?


Hi guys! well it's my first J/C fic, so pleeaeaese! try to be indulgent ^^

**Disclaimer: ** The characters (sadly) don't belong to me, I'm just playing with them, they belong to TPTB and Paramount

**Rating**: T, maybe MA in later chapters

**Summary: **Kathryn and Chakotay will never be able to be romantically involved after this... or will they?

**_Lasciate mi morire_**

_Chapter I : _

Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror. Today, she really wanted it to work. She had put up extra effort with her appearance, she had put on some make-up, a new baby blue robe, she had even synthesized some mushrooms and made his favorite mushrooms salad. She had set up the table. Now, she only had to wait for him to arrive for their meeting and maybe, she would be able to convince him to have dinner today. Or tomorrow, or even the day after, for all that mattered. She really didn't care as long as they were spending time together without yelling at each other.

She sighed heavily and returned to her living room. It was incredible how, these days, they couldn't just stay in the same room without sending static electricity because of the incredibly bad tension they both felt towards each other. Where had gone their wonderful friendship ? They were doing so great until a month ago, when they fought because he had thought she hadn't taken his opinion into account. They had had a heated argument and things were still broken between them. In the past, he had always been the one to try and rekindle their friendship when they had fought but now, it just wasn't the same It was as if they had gone too far, SHE had gone too far in denying him and he had given up on her. She couldn't bear not talking to him, not laughing with him while he was telling her about the rumors going on the ship. She couldn't bear him being so cold to her and its opposite. Plus, it was affecting the way they were working with each other.

Yes, she had taken this big resolution and she would stick to it!. Now, she only had to wait for him... She put on some music and began to hum the gentle theme.

Chakotay was incredibly weary. Today had been particularly eventful. They had passed a nebula and tried to analyze it when all the systems had suddenly shut down and they were still searching why. It had taken them 18 hours to put everything back on line and there had, once again been some frictions between him and Kathryn.

He really couldn't wait to have finished with his rain check with Kathryn to be able to go straight to bed. If he was able to go out of her quarters alive, that is. He sighed deeply. Since their big fight a month ago, all they had seemed to do was yell at each other. It was beginning to affect their work and it showed on both of them. He was a mess: he could barely sleep, barely eat, he was nearly eating the head of his subordinates, and the list went on. He knew she was feeling the same. Of course, she didn't show it but he could feel it in the way her eyes were just a little bit "shiny" that every day she was on the verge of tears if something wasn't going on to well. He also knew that had Kathryn been a different kind of woman, she would already have had a nervous breakdown.

He had grown more than weary of seeing her this tired and sad, of being so tired and sad himself. Before, he was always the one to try to salvage their friendship but this time, he was overtaken by his pride. Deep down, he KNEW he ought to stop being sulking and to begin doing something that would help both of them but e just couldn't. This one time, he just couldn't.

Arrived at her door, he sighed again before chiming.

"Enter"

"Captain"

"Chakotay"

An awkward silence had taken place between them as soon as she had opened her mouth. He was, in a word, stunned. He had called her "Captain", thinking it better to keep the conversation or more likely the fight on a formal level, and she had called him "Chakotay". She was out of uniform, she had set a table for two, as if she "knew" he would stay with her for dinner! He felt trapped in some scheme of hers and this, added to the current circumstances made him begin to grow angry. As if she wanted of his company, anyway!

"Chakotay, I had thought that, maybe, we could both try to calm down and... relax a little bit..." she began firmly though feeling shy and afraid of a negative answer.

"If you wanted us to have dinner today, it's no, I've got things to do" he replied a little too harshly.

"Oh, well, it's alright, but, maybe... we could have dinner together another time ?" she asked nearly shyly, being crestfallen but hiding so well she could have fooled everyone but her mother and Chakotay. Any other time, seeing her like this would have made him forget all about his anger but he was to angry to care. Everything that had been bottled up inside him for a moth was now exploding and she would be the one on who he would lash out0

"No. And actually, if it weren't for our work together, I wouldn't be spending anytime with you, you're not worth it!" he spat out venomously.

She swallowed the lump in her throat with great difficulty then, said:

"Well, then, I will not delay you any longer, have a good time, Commander" she whispered weakly, not trusting her voice to speak louder without sobbing.

"Goodnight, Captain" he replied before storming out of her quarters with a swooosh and going straight to the holodeck where he spent two hours boxing on holograms with the safeties off.

Then, back to his quarters, he took a good hot shower, letting the water wash him of the remains of his anger. Chakotay didn't know why he had lashed out on her this way. It wasn't that he had really been angry for any good reason. He had just felt trapped in her world, without any possibility to escape. He had destroyed her someway. No, actually, he had screwed up big time! He hadn't wanted to hurt her! Spirits, when he wanted to hurt someone he went to the holodeck! Now, he probably wouldn't have any chance of being with her anymore. Not that he had before but... He sighed and put himself to bed, already wearing his pajama bottoms. He really had to make it up to her. He would have to regain her trust in some way. He would begin by saying how sorry he was and then... He was fast asleep.

After Chakotay's violent departure, Kathryn had burst into heavy sobs. She fell on the floor as she cried her heart out for two hours. Then, a bit more calm, she set down the table and recycled everything into the synthesizer.

Chakotay's harsh words came back on her mind. So, he really hated her, now. She had let it go too far. She was the one who had began, after all. Before long, she was sobbing again. He hated her! He didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore! But after all, hadn't she always pushed him out? She was only receiving the fruits of her actions. She couldn't let it bother her, she had to keep focusing on her work! But how? How could she go on without him? It was impossible! He wouldn't be there! Wasn't there! Alone, she was alone! She began to hyperventilate .

"Jane...way to ...the... Doc...tor"

"Yes, Captain , I'm coming right now. Doctor out" he answered, worried to hear her speaking like this.

The doctor was really, really worried. He had found her totally broken, hyperventilating in her room. He didn't know why the Commander wasn't there. He had found it curious but then, he was the only one who could have made her become like this. He quickly brought her breathing back to normal and prescribed her complete rest till the end of the week. She hadn't protested. This in itself alarmed him. He gave her a mild sedative and left her sleeping. He sighed. Even in her sleep, she wasn't peaceful. He quickly made Tuvok aware of the situation and they both chose to leave her alone for a while, to let her time to feel herself again.

TBC...

sooo, how was it?


End file.
